Fundamentally, each of the partners in the marriage originally represented himself or herself to the other in a manner that invited a more binding union. Quite apart from the sexual attraction, the factors of education, intelligence, interests, behavior and the promise of fidelity were such as eventually permitted a lasting commitment from both.
The partner of the one suffering Arrested Emotional Development rarely grasps what is responsible for the strained temper of the marriage as it progresses. This person encounters increasing levels of hostility in the wake of bitter accusations and aggressive resentment. All this would certainly be troubling to both partners, although it invariably extends from their spouse’s unforgiving disappointment for something that seems to resist simple definition.
Without fail, the feature of the hand that identifies this syndrome is the little finger that, when held upright in line with the other fingers, fails to reach the crease line separating the upper and middle phalanges of the ring finger.
History:
The infant that had just entered the world is much like plasticine or soft clay in that it readily assumes the shape of whatever experiences touch it. Normally these experiences begin with a bonding with the mother which delivers a sense of security and of being wholly “contained”. With time and the continued development of its cognitive and motoric faculties the tempers of other experiences contribute to the further “shaping” of the child.
Psychoanalytic literature defines three fundamental development stages, although these have been open to considerable redefinition, renaming, and more precise divisions. Nevertheless, in all these studied contributions to professional literature the bottom line, as it were, unfailingly underscores the specific experiences essential for the emotional growth and development of every infant and child. We shall not be speaking of something that is merely nice to have; we shall be speaking of absolute requirements. The Arrested Emotional Development takes root when specific experiences which should have been recorded during specific developmental stages in the early life of the infant and child were denied it.
The infant becomes a child, the child a youth and the youth an adult. Inasmuch as this person’s intellectual faculties may permit high academic achievements and impressive careers, and whose motoric development may have promoted remarkable skills in sports, dance and the like, the vacancy of some essential building block experiences from those early years remain sustained as vital and immediate needs. Although these are very much the needs of an infant they nevertheless remain invested in the adult, with huge emotional significance.
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A short little finger. |
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At risk of gross oversimplification we would identify the very earliest and most vital need of the infant as the need for bonding. Its highly charged libidinal energies are entirely object-seeking. Fortunately, its body becomes the target of the mother’s own libidinal drives and her body the target for his. If any facet of this mutual attachment is experienced by the infant as less than organic, the need will not dissipate nor will it diminish with time. Quite the contrary. It will insinuate itself strongly in the complex of emotional needs still demanding satisfaction throughout the life of this person. Very much the same will later be true of the need for security in belonging. Its certain attachment to others along with the experience of its life being made meaningful to others – particularly the dominant images in its environment – is another very critical dimension of its early formative experiences. There is more, of course, but when for any reason the infant and child is denied a critical and fundamental developmental experience its emotional development will resist continued evolvement.
The difficulties faced by marriage counselors we spoke of earlier are rooted here. The adults bearing this syndrome may have originally impressed their partners with their maturity, intellectual acumen and sophisticated professions. These are the people their partners were given to see and with whom they linked their lives. What remains largely unseen, however, would be the expectations of these people to have their partners recognize and accommodate these very early emotional needs. It would be the rarest of exceptions if this came about. It is certainly ironic, but the bitter disappointment with their spouses soon duplicates, in a manner, the crippling emotional stresses they suffered as infants and young children. Their frustration becomes manifest as abrasive and altogether erosive confrontations.
Where a relationship is sustained with no call for a counselor’s intervention we would understand that the person as a child, perhaps in line with Piaget’s “Magical Thinking,” identified with the image of itself as reflected in the eyes of the dominant images in his or her life and so projected this somewhat diminished image to the partner. Many of these people gravitate to professions where they work with children, professing a natural understanding of children. Along with doubts related to inherent worth, this too is in the parcel of this syndrome.